Musings of the mean girl. Thoughts of the gossip geek. Feelings of the sensitive woman.

God is good

2007-02-28T23:12:00.001-08:00

I do not deny it. Sometimes, I questioned God's plan for me, for Rem. There were several times that I honestly feel he is not answering my prayers. But the more I go to Church and attend bible studies, the more I felt that I should be grateful for many things.

1) Rem did not suffer from brain injury. Imagine, if I could not even communicate with my brother the way we used to. I would not feel that he is Remington. It is way better to sit on a wheelchair and be your old self than walking but not be able to converse with your friends and family. God saved him from banging his head into that hang bar of the car.

2) Rem did not fall into depression. Throughout the whole ordeal, I have been afraid that my brother will fall into depression, even a mild one. But never did he show any signs. In fact, he is optimistic, full of life and forward thinking. He talks about getting a job as a peer mentor, going to Project Walk to pursue extensive rehab. He surprises me and our family. God made this possible. I feel he is continually healing Rem, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

3) I have to deal with so many things concerning my brother, from his care to home renovations to van purchase. There are dealings with contractors, private occupational therapists, insurance company, lawyers, etc. And on top of it all is my full-time job and being a girlfriend. I could have gone crazy over the past few months due to stress and lack of time management. But God has always been watching over me and letting me get through this without much difficulty.

4) I also feel that God has a plan for our family. He has paved the way for my family to come to Canada and an opportunity for them to re-instate their permanent resident status. Through humanitarian reasons (the son and brother suffering from spinal cord injury), my parents and brothers have been granted Canadian visas to visit and take care of Rem.

5) Sterling's love and support throughout this whole ordeal have proven immensely crucial in our relationship. It further re-affirmed his love for me and my family. God has given Sterling to me as an angel to save me from going crazy. Had it not for him, I would probably be in a way worse mindset right now.

Everyday, I strive to be a better Christian. I talk to God and let Him show me the way to live a healthy Christian life. All my problems, I lift them up to Him. I meet great people who share the same beliefs I do, who I look up to. This is all possible because God is good to those who share relationships with him, to those who never give up on praying.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. - Galatians 6:9

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. - Psalm 55:22

God is good

2007-02-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

Slap in the Face. Ouch!

2007-02-21T00:06:00.000-08:00

One of the things I hate the most is people questioning my decisions. I get the feeling that my integrity is being put in line. Some people have been giving me that feeling these past few days. And honestly, I cannot shake off the annoyance I feel towards them (although I really want to).

Sometimes, I really do feel alone in dealing with everything. Every big decision I make is met with criticism (Harsh, I must add). I mean, give me a break! These people do not even know the reasons behind my decisions. I do not think they even want to know either. But there they go, questioning me, putting me down, making me feel that I am a useless, inconsiderate person.

Most of my world revolve around my brother's recovery. I will do everything possible to get him up and walking. I guess the decisions that I have been making towards his recovery are pissing some of my relatives off (or only a particular person). I honestly do not think this person even has the right to tell me what to do or diss my decision. Maybe this person just wants me to ask for her opinion on things (As she would say, respect the elders). But aren't I old enough to make my own decisions?

I am very disappointed with the other person. Questioning me came as such a surprise, I found it difficult to bring myself back to be around him without feeling uncomfortable. It's like "WHAM, Lianne, your decisions are bad!" Slap in the face. Ouch!

Something I Remember

2006-11-01T00:20:00.000-08:00

One night back in '99, I was talking to my friend Erwin over the phone. And I remember I was crying because "Remington is growing up so fast...He is in high school now." At that time, I guess I was being too emotional over Rem being a teenager.

I never felt this with Kevin and Adrian (For Adrian, maybe because I was already here during his puberty stage). I guess it was because Rem is closer to me in age than Kev and Adrian. I considered him my young brother because we grew up together. We did things together - Ocean Park (HK trips), swimming, guitar lessons, etc. We remembered the same stuff - pet names, breeding pigeons and chicken (Hehe), driver and yaya names, living on Roosevelt Avenue, etc. We had more things in common (still have).

He is the brother I feel most connected to. And he is the brother that I will protect now more than anything else.

In Need OF...

2006-10-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

So, the past 3.5 months have been crazy for me. My days are usually 18 hours long. I sleep for only 6 hours. A big downgrade from the 9 hour a day nights. My body is pretty beat up, although not in an anorexic way. I know I am gonna get wrinkle pretty early in life because of stress. I am in desperate need of the following:

- manicure/pedicure (I want black nail polish. They're pretty cool.)
- massage (at least an hour massage)
- a full day of sleep or just lying in bed (Oh that would be bliss!)
- a trip with Sterling (getaway..We need a getaway!)
- an eyebrow threading (They are getting bushy.)
- work pants and winter clothes (My clothes are all too big on me now! I am getting skinny. YAY! But not in a healthy way though. Hmmm...)
- a hockey game
- a win in a poker tourney (HEHE! To boost up my confidence)

Just want to de-stress..somehow by writing on my blog.

Happy Birthday to my great friend Gladys. Oh how I miss her!!!

And my friend Sabeth is getting married next April. I am definitely going to San Francisco! Can't wait!

Baby Step

2006-10-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

This past weekend has been one of the greatest weekends of my life! Rem made voluntary, albeit small, movements with his left foot. Oh oh it made my hell of a week. I was sooo happy. Still am.

On top of that, he was able to get out of the rehab centre, get on the cab and go to Grandpa's 85th birthday party. He got dizzy on the cab ride because he's not "used to sitting at the back. I'm used to driving." But at least, he still had the chance to go out.

And now, he knows how to use the computer, brush his teeth and feed himself. Of course, we are still hoping for more, i.e. standing, walking, using his fingers. It will take time. But so far so good. His improvement has been amazingly quick. 3 months and counting.

So, that's the awesome weekend that we had here. Hopefully, there's more great surprising days to come!

GF Strong

2006-10-09T00:20:00.000-07:00

After almost three months, Rem has been moved to GF Strong Rehabilitation Centre. As much as it looks depressing (all the people wheeling around in their wheelchairs), Rem seems to be enjoying it more. Livelier atmosphere, less depressing for him. He has more people to interact with, talking about how they got injured, what injury they have and what recovery they want to achieve. These things are very encouraging for Rem. He likes his nurses and therapists there as well - better service, he says.

For the first time in weeks, I feel relieved with his condition. He is continuously improving - legs becoming more sensitive, back muscles getting stronger. Although it is a long long way to go, I am happy with the way things are going now. I have accepted his situation, but there's still a lot of hope and faith inside me, that things will be okay.

Can't sleep...

2006-10-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

Mom is leaving tomorrow. It feels like one of my legs will be amputated soon (in 24 hours!). Dad's here, but the amount of care he can give Rem will never compare to Mom's. This translates to more responsibilities for me. Not that I'm complaining.

Stress just gets to me lately. Deteriorating health (I lost at least 10 lbs), slacking off school (Haven't opened my book in 2 weeks), spending less and less time with Sterling. But I cannot give up, because I have to be with Rem all the time. I just feel the need to. I guess I am scared of him falling into frustration, into loneliness, into depression. This is the time for me to prove myself as an older sister, willing to take care of my shoti. I just wish I have more help. That's all...

Rollercoaster

2006-09-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today, I broke down. I saw Rem in too much pain - both back and left foot. He had tears, which I immediately took as pain he could not handle. I panicked and cried. Bad move on my part. I scared Rem even more.

At that time, I just felt that his spasms are getting worse, although Uncle Sam reminded us that movement is better for his legs ("The legs are trying to find a connection to his brain."). I did not understand the difference between spasms and voluntary movements. Jeff explained it to me over and over again, but still, I thought negatively, that the movement was a bad thing for Rem.

I called Sterling, crying. He might have asked Jeff to put some sense into me (which I think he really did!). Jeff told me that I am the integral part of this whole situation:

"Your brother, your mom, your family and Sterling depend on you. You have to be strong for them. This is going to be a long road. If your brother is like that for a year, will you be like that for a year - When it's good days for Rem, you're happy; when it's bad days for Rem, you'll cry like crazy! You'll affect everybody - your family, your relationship with Sterling and your friends. If you cannot be that strong person, then just tell me. We will find someone to fill it in. Think about it tonight."

How can this not pierce my heart and make me think?

*I need more prayers. Sometimes, I catch myself giving up.

Blame it on the Rain

2006-09-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

Rainy season is here once again. It indeed dampens my mood and creates sad thoughts in my head. I find myself thinking what could have been done to avoid "The Accident."

A little update on Rem's status. It has been 2.5 months since the accident. He is still in the hospital; he still has his trach on. Although he has been suffering more pain lately, his spirit is still as positive as before. His improvement amazes me. He can feel his legs now; a lot of twitching going on down there (although doctors say it's spasm, which is apparently not good for SCI patients). He can move his arms up to his head, sometimes scratching it on his own. He is able to operate his power wheelchair, even asking the nurse to speed it up.

This is just the beginning of a long road to recovery. Once he gets to the rehabilitation center, we are praying that his movements will further improve until once again, he will walk and be normal again.

So, back to my topic, I feel sad. A thought constantly rings in my head: I should not have asked him to move to Vancouver nor should I have asked him to go to Calgary with me. This could not have happened to him. He could have been back home studying and enjoying his friends' company or fixing his car. Or he could have been at work here, washing cars or maybe have even moved up to a Lot Manager by now. We could have been planning our little trips together and could be talking about our supposed recent skydiving adventure. I could imagine us talking about how sucky weather is or the latest Kevin Federline song/video. I could picture him showing me funny videos on YouTube or commercials that he downloaded. We could have been watching the latest Prison Break episode together in the comfort of our living room. Instead, he is lying helpless in the hospital bed, not knowing what the future holds for him, not knowing if he will be able to enjoy his life ever again. And it pains me to see him like that, because I know I could have done something to avoid this from happening to him.

It is definitely guilt that I feel. People may say I should not blame myself, that he will recover, that we should not listen to what the doctors tell us. But what do they know? What do I know? I cannot clearly explain what my exact feelings are; it's a bit of a mess: I am confused. I am not patient enough to know the future. I am physically and emotionally drained. What I do know is that I cannot show this to Rem. Never ever! I have to stay strong for him, I have to stay positive for him. Through his bad and worse times, I have to be. It's not easy, but I really really have to.

I draw comfort in his smile, because even the faintest of smiles gives me hope and faith. The brightness of his smile gives me strength to fight through this with him.

I <3 REM

2006-08-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I feel I am going crazy with everything happening around me. Then I realize Rem must be feeling worse than me. But when I look at him, his precious smile, his contant nag for scartching, I would never think that he suffered sucj injury. His level of strength is unbelievable. Everytime he is in pain, he tries not to show me and my Mom what he is feeling. I think he knows we worry about him too much. So he tries to hide it from us as much as he can. Everytime a tear falls down his cheek, we know he cannot bear his pain and this is when we worry even more. A Tylenol here and there can solve his physical pain. But, me, my Mom and everyone who's supporting and praying for him can solve the emotional pain he must be going through right now.

Taking care of him, I realize, is such second nature now. I attend to his every need and want. The great thing about it is that it does not stress me out. Not at all. I never feel pity for my brother. Instead, I feel great admiration for his courage to face such uncertain future, for his optimism that everything will be fine, and for his faith that GOD will heal him.

Summer of 2006: A Blur

2006-08-13T00:20:00.000-07:00

Rem and I had so many plans this summer. Skydiving on his birthday, white water rafting, eat out at restaurants he has never tried before. All that changed on July 7, 2006. Everything, his life and our lives turned 360 degrees.

Rem met an accident on our way to Calgary. Prognosis: c5-c6 bilateral dislocation complete spinal cord injury. It left him paralyzed from nipple down. His wrists were affected as well. Dcotors said he only has 1% chance of walking again.

Over the past month and a bit, the hospital became my second home. Mom had to fly here to take care of him. We spent 10 days in Calgary after his surgery (to re-align his spine). Rem was in ICU most of the time, a tube forced into his throat due to breathing problems brought by the injury. We flew back to Vancouver on July 17. Tube was still there, he had to stay in ICU. The swelling of his spinal cord went upwards one day and it made his right arm (which he could move for 3 weeks after the accident) numb and motorless. That was scarier. Rem got depressed the day he found out about his MRI results. Doctors had to do a tracheotomy on his on the third week because they were scared the tube might infect his vocal cord. They had to slice/make an incision on his throat to put the tube in. I bet it hurt like crazy. I could see the pain on his face.

As each day passed by, Rem showed progress. It may be small progress, but at least he was improving. Finally, on August 9, he was moved out of the ICU into the spine unit of Vancouver General Hospital.

I truly admire my brother. He has become my hero, everyone's hero. His strength and positivity really hit me hard. Most of the time, I feel weak and helpless, but whenever I look at Rem, I feel embarrassed. He is the one with the injury yet he remains calm and optimistic about things. His renewed faith in the Lord, I believe, is the main reason he has been improving. The Lord's presence is greatly felt in his room. Prayers, love and support of family and friends are blessings to begin with; they keep him from being depressed and make him keep fighting.

Our lives have changed overnight, but it does not mean Rem's life would be like this forever. It may be a long road to recovery, but with his family, friends and the Lord with him, I am pretty sure Rem will be able to pull through this.

Thank you for everyone who has been praying...

And so my summer begins...

2006-06-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

What better way to kick off the first day of summer than to lie on the beach.

Vancouver had been blessed with rain-free, almost perfect weather for the past days (For those who do not live in Vancouver, the rain gets crazy in this side of the world. No snowstorms, just rain 65% of the year). So, summer is really cherised here.

Last Sunday, Rem, Bixby, Steph, Bree and I went to Granville Island to take advantage of the sun. We went for an early fish and chips dinner. It was one of the oiliest meals I've had (but I did not really care) Then, we went on the AQUABUS which took us to Yaletown by boat. High rise buildings and waterfronts filled with pristine yachts and sailboats under the sun were incredibly relaxing to look at. Some ducks and swans were also enjoying the warm water and a seal swimming in the middle of the ocean surprised many people.

It's barbeque time. People in Vancouver loves to barbeque, whether it's at the park, on the beach or simply in their backyard. So far, I have four barbeques lined up for this weekend. You read it right, four barbeques in 2 days! Isn't that crazy?! Canucks love to stay outside because hibernation season is finally over!

How many times do I have to shout: I LOVE SUMMER!

Summer Song #1

Promiscuous
Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

[N:] Am I throwin you off?
Nope
[N:] Didn’t think so

How you doin’ young lady
That feelin’ that you givin’ really drives me crazy
You don’t haveta play about the joke
I was at a loss of words first time that we spoke

Looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
You lookin’ for her in the day time with the light
You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

[N:] You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

[N:] You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

[Chorus]
Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

[N:] Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

[N:] Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

[Verse]
[N:] Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
Where you at, do you mind if I come through

[N:] I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Thomas
last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

[N:] I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
[N:] So does everybody else.

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

[N:] What kind of girl do you take me for?

[Chorus]
Don't be mad, don't get mean
[N:] Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean
[N:] Don't get mad, don't be mean

Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bring that on

Bring that on
[N:] You know what I mean

Girl, I’m a freak you shouldn't say those things

I’m only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash

[Chorus]
Promiscuous Girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And its you that I want

[N:] Promiscuous Boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Promiscuous Girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

[N:] Promiscuous Boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more

The Resolution

2006-06-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

Looking back at my life, I realize that I have not enjoyed it to the fullest. There is so much more I can do, there is so much more I can see. I partly blame myself for not being out there, like some people I know. I quickly tell myself "I do not possess the resources to do so." Then, counterarguing myself, enjoying life does not necessitate money, but it does time. Do I have time? I do not think that is the question. I think it is more "Do I want to make time to enjoy life?" Yes, I do, right now.

So, my resolution starts this summer. By September, I should have done at least 5 of the following:

1. Go on a trip to two places outside the Lower Mainland

2. White water rafting

3. Zipline

4. Skydiving

5. Ride a horse

6. Camping

7. Finally learn how to drive

8. Get on a diving board and jump into a 20 feet pool

9. Cook and bake

10. Wear a bikini (which means work out to get a body made for a bikini)

Let's see how things will go.

Sunshine*

2006-05-26T00:17:00.000-07:00

It has almost been a month since I fell into that depressive state of mind. Assessing my life right now, I must say it's better. For one, my brother Rem has decided to move here, to stay with his dear old sister. I have impressed him with my cooking skills, which was non-existent last year.

Two, summer is almost here. I cannot CANNOT wait to go on my planned adventures - zipline, white water rafting, hiking, Calgary Stampede. These things have to be done this summer. It is now or never. I have learned to stop procrastinating because it will lead me nowhere, and time must be well spent, wisely spent.

Three, connection with music is back again. For the past several months, I stopped listening to talented, well-written music. I feel I am getting back into the groove. Music is one of my main sources of therapy. It makes me cry, laugh, smile and brings me into a state of bliss.

Four, friends. New friends, old friends. This is the start to rekindle lost friendships, maintain great friendships and improve on budding friendships. I want to be a better friend to everyone.

It is kinda weird, but I feel summer is my new year. This is always the time I have the urgency to make amends/resolutions. It is the way the sunshine affects me, the way it falls on my eyes, it blinds me. It just emotionally turns me.

A Call for Apathy
The Shins
Untie me, I've said no vows
The train is getting way too loud
I gotta leave here my girl
Get on with my lonely life
Just leave the ring on the rail
For the wheels to nullify

Until this turn in my head
I let you stay and you paid no rent
I spent twelve long months on the lam
That's enough sitting on the fence
For the fear of breaking dams

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there

It took me all of the year
To put the poison pill to your ear
But now I stand on honest ground, on honest ground
You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove
So baby it's clear

You want to jump and dance
But you sat on your hands
And lost your only chance
Go back to your hometown
Get your feet on the ground
And stop floating around

I find a fatal flaw
In the logic of love
And go out of my head
You love a sinking stone
That'll never elope
So get used to used to the lonesome
Girl, you must atone some
Don't leave me no phone number there

Downward Emotions

2006-04-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Friendships. I do not feel any special connection with people here. My friends here are those that I generally hang out with, people who you have fun with, but not share deeper feelings with. Everything seems so superficial, not substantial. I cannot talk to anyone about my problems, my thoughts, because I am afraid that I will be judged, that they will talk behind my back. Also, I am scared they will not understand what I feel, but will not say it to my face. Most of the time, I do not deem them reliable nor trustworthy. There is just a certain void, emptiness inside me that I cannot explain. At times, I catch myself curled up in my bed, crying and wishing I will be in Manila when I open my eyes, my Mom hugging me.

My main problem is the way I handle these situations. At the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't worry about it or should not read too much into it, but NO! I overanalyze situations with too much negativity. Moreso, I have this fright of people not liking me, talking behind my back or just betraying me (which makes my mind think the worst). Who doesn't? But mine is ultimately worse than most people I know. I lack the positive outlook that I need to live through these challenges in my situation. Sometimes, I try to be nonchalant, but it usually doesn't work because I wear my heart on my sleeves too much. I always want to talk about things, even if I know I should just shut up and suck it up.

These depressing or rather down times make me miss my family and friends back home even more, people who I grew up with and who understand me in and out. They are people I can be honest with, people who will not judge me but rather embrace my flaws and offer me uplifting advice. I miss the times when I pick up my phone at 11 at night and hearing Mo's or Jorwin's or Gladys' voice asking me to go out for coffee, just to chitchat and talk about everything under the sun. It seems like, yeah I can do it here too, but it feels different with people you have known your whole life.

That's my rant for this week. And I tell myself I have to appreciate what I have right now and make the most out of it. When life gives me sour lemons, I should turn then into sweet lemonade.

Cannot get this song off my mind, ever since I heard Elliot from American Idol sing it last week: "A Song to You" by Donny Hathaway

I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs
I've made some mad rhymes
I've acted out my life in stages
With 10,000 people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you

I know your image of me is what I hoped to be
I treated you unkindly
And darling can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Baby can't you see through me
Cause we we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you

You taught me precious secrets
Of a true love, you wanted nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
Now I'm so much better
And if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody
Cuz my love is in there hiding

I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for my life
You're a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We we're alone and I was singing this song to you

McDeal No More

2006-04-24T19:51:00.000-07:00

McDeals are dunzo. For some unexpected reason, McDonald's has decided to stop selling their everyday McDeals. Instead, they have a choice of three kinds of burgers that can be purchased everyday for $3.99 as a meal. Standard. People who have lived in Canada all their lives are so used to having the everyday McDeals that it feels so weird going to McDonald's without asking "What is the deal for today?" I have so many great experiences with the McDeals before. I remember my friends and I used to go to McDonald's after clubbing. Quarter Pounder Meal, Supersized. Double Cheeseburger Meal, Supersized - All for a mere $5 or less. But now, we have to pay regular price for it. Although I only eat McDonald's once every 2 months, I feel sad for Sterling and his friends coz they love the McDeals.

On to other things, I joined my first every Vancouver Sun Run yesterday. The turnout for the event was absolutely crazy. 50,700+ people participated the annual 10K event, with a scorching 18 degrees. Weather cooperated. It was tiring but fun and fulfilling. I ran only 1K and walked the rest. I finished after 110.38 minutes. YAY! Should be more prepared next year. That means lots of training. My goal next year is less than 75 minutes.

Back in the Groove

2006-04-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have to get used to this blog thing. I honestly did not care writing things down because I feel incapable of putting into words my everyday life and thoughts. Then, last night, while I was reading some of my entries from a year or two, my thoughts brought me to that point in my life. And I found it funny to read the things I wrote and at the same time, felt the growth I have made the past two years. And I didn't think I would re-visit my blog again if Laurice did not ask me if I still write on my blog. So, a BIG thanks to her.

So, what to write today? Well, I pity Suri Holmes-Cruise for having a terribly psychotic father. I don't know if I am the only one who finds Katie Holmes the ugliest pregnant mother. Honestly, her skin's breaking out and hers bags are just so evident. Older people say that if a preggy lady's face is glowing, she will be having a baby girl. I guess that does not apply to Katie Holmes. 1/10000 misses? Because she is carrying Tom Cruise's baby! How fate works: Brooke Shields gave birth on the same day, in the same hospital. Her room was only doors away from Katie's. Interesting to see how Tom covers up Katie's post-partum depression.

And I pity Nick Lachey. If anyone has not read his latest interview with Rolling Stones magazine, here's the link:

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/9962414/king_of_pain?rnd=1145540942328&has-player=true&version=6.0.12.1212

The guy has serious issues. I think he needs Jessica back. But if I were him, he's better off without her and PAPA Joe snooping around them. I do not like him, but I feel he is at a major disadvantage in the whole divorce situation (unless Jessica gives him spousal support/alimony, that is).

Reality shows.
~American Idol - Yay, Ace is out! Kelly is still in the running.
~Amazing Race - Yay, non-elimination round! My dear hippies, please please beat the Casanovas! Honestly, this season is not as interesting as the other seasons because there are no mean people like Rob/Amber, Flo, the Weavers or Jonathan/Victoria.
~America's Next Top Model - This show never ceases to amaze me. They come up with cool techniques and photo shoots. Jade keeps the show interesting (She was so fake in the last episode!), but I hope she does not win. Go, Joanie!!!

Sterling's Post

2006-04-19T22:28:00.000-07:00

wfvofekmlmkbugvygdtfcfvbjhjb i'm done

i am so hurt bec lianne doesn't love me :(

Bwisit Shiznit

2006-04-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

Lots of things to be bwisit about:

1. Everyday I sit at work wondering when a new posting will pop up. My job gets a little bit boring and my brain is getting rusty. I feel the necessity to study something and the urgency to feel challenged. Don't get me wrong, I love my co-workers. They are great (Well, except for some), but I just need a change of environment.

2. The Canucks are not in the playoffs for the first time in years. I am just a new FAN, but I am disappointed in the way they played this season. I guess, everyone's expectations are too high.

3. I am not going to yoga as much as I want to. I only go twice a week which does not do anything to my "figure." I just had a huge dinner with Sterling's family today. Eating with no exercise is very very very bad, my friends!

4. I spent $150 on my highlights and I am still not used to it (after two days). Ok, I will give it some time. I am getting lots of compliments anyways, for the "courage" of having to cut 6 inches of my flowing mane. Hehehe. Applause please.

That's all.

Sterling is looking at me right now while I finish typing my blog. He is making cute faces with those big brown eyes with the rest of his face hidden behind the laptop. He thinks he's adorable and he's right. And I don't like it because I <3 him too much to get mad at him while he's taking ugly pictures of me. But I like the feeling...:)

Raves

2005-07-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

1. New job at HSBC: I was originally offered a casual part-time position for 3 months. After a month there, I became full-time. Call it lucky. So far, I like my job, but WTF does other people get mad when I ask them questions? Oooppss..This is supposed to be a RAVE. But that's a little rant.

2. Summer: Yeah, today is the first time that I felt summer with the unpredictable weather in Vancouver. It fluctuates to the point that I thought it was fall last week. And spring the week after that. And when it's hot, it gets scorching hot. I do not want to complain coz summer is my favorite season. but can it be more stable so I can plan stuff?

It's been all about activities lately. Tennis, rollerblading, kayaking, paintball. Everything adventurous. I love it. I wanna go hiking! Just exercise and get rid of my "baby" fats.

And I had the best lemonade at Red Robin today - Freckled Lemonade. It's lemonade with chunks of strawberry in it. Yummy! I drank 3 glasses full. Down to the last drip, down to the last strawberry.

3. Sterling: Everything with Sterling has been great. Oh how I feel so in love and so much loved. The best thing about is the level of comfort we have with each other. We are not afraid to hide things or talk about things, even pooing. Hehe. We love talking about pooing, and talking when we're pooing. Yes, it's gross! But it reflects something really good about the relationship. Can't help but SMILE =]

Pitch and Putt My Ass

2004-11-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

Life has been more exciting ever since I met my new friends. Now, we are all one happy group of friends who are fast becoming activity partners. We've talked about going skydiving, camping, white water rafting, etc. Since today is a statutory holiday with an awesome weather outside, we have decided to go pitch and putt at Central Park in Burnaby.

All excited, Denise, Sterling, Howard, Keith, Chung-li and I went there first. We paid our fee, held our clubs, practiced while waiting in line. In the middle of completing the 2nd hole, we were approached by this guy who works there. Rudely, he told us to split into two groups since only 4 people in a group are allowed to be in the greens. And so we did. Little did we know that this jerk of a guy was checking on us every other minute. Just when we were starting the 9th hole, we were already 9 in the group. He came to us and started picking on us, and even threatened to bring the cops: "It's either you cooperate or leave." Of course, we had to argue our case. We paid to play, why is he kicking us out? It got into a heated argument between him and Sterling. Everyone was frustrated and started arguing with him all at the same time. He got fed up and basically, kicked us out of the course without giving back the money to the latecomers (both Wendys) who didn't even play. Jerkface!

What a first experience in pitch and putt. As the twins would say, "It's memorable."

Halloween!

2004-10-31T19:43:00.000-08:00

Today is my second year celebrating Halloween. We don't really celebrate it back home, so admittedly, I have never gone trick or treating before I am not able to go again tonight, but there is always next year.

First Halloween party was at the Macaroni Grill on Davie Street last Friday. My friends and I had been so excited for the past month to dress up and go to that party. Unfortunately, we were deeply disappointed. We waited in line (in the cold) for an hour. When we finally got in, the place was overly crowded that we couldn't even coatcheck our things. So, after half an hour of cramming into these little kids who were hungry to party, we decided to leave. That was the worst clubbing experience ever.

So, last night, me and my friends went to Atlantis to the annual Halloween party and Fiona's birthday party too. We had to make up for the disappointing "party" the night before. This time, I had a blast, a BLAST! Wendy G. and I dressed up as French maids, Wil, Howard, Keith and Chung-Li grouped as the Crazy 88's (their outfits rock!), Wendy F. went as the not-so-evil devil and Denise was the sexy (not in costume) vixen. We danced the whole night and it was a whole lotta fun, I must say. The club was packed with people all dressed up, from nurses to Playboy bunnies to Japanese rice men.

The highlight, of course, was the contest. There was a girl in black lingerie who danced (she can't dance, sorry to say) like a stripper on stage. A group of Playboy bunnies with Hugh Hefner also wowed the crowd. But, the winner of the $250 prize were these two Foxy Cleopatra ladies who shook their booties and kissed onstage, twice! So, to win the contest, one must simply kiss someone of the same gender. Good idea.

Wonder what the next activity would be. This past month has been really a change from my usual plain boring life. It's because I met new friends (and of course, my dearest Erica and Wendy too) to make Vancouver life more of a home to me. Thanks, guys.

Thanksgiving

2004-10-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. I am not eating turkey this year, because I don't know how to cook one. Haven't watched enough of Jamie Oliver to learn. Next Thanksgiving, I might be the master chef around town.

Ok, what should I be thankful for? I am thankful for:
1. being alive
2. having my mother, my brothers and my friends in my life
3. being able to experience independent life in Canada
4. having jobs that I enjoy and pay me decently
5. technology
6. music and the creation of the portable radio/walkman/mp3 player
7. Greek food, sushi, Lay's Barbecue, Mrs. Vickie's Sweet and Chili chips and LifeSavers
8. summer because it is where my spirits soar away through the sunshine
9. reality TV that keeps me home every Thursday night
10. Elements because people who go there inspires me to get into the movie industry
11. ING Direct - It helps me save money.
12. being single - keeps me carefree (but sometimes, lonely)
13. the invention of airplane (Thanks, Wright Brothers) - They made traveling way more convenient
14. the existence of John Kerry - Bush is going down, hopefully.
15. the twisted mind of JJ Abrams - for Alias and Lost, two kick-ass TV shows
16. the soothing voices of Alicia Keys, Pilate, Ben Gibbard, Chris Carraba and Jack Johnson. They always rock the house.
17. Usher's dance moves
18. living in Canada - It always inspires me to achieve my dreams, although I am not really doing anything now.
19. my best friend Monica for everything she has done for me, especially for giving me Scooby socks that keep me warm every night
20. the egroups pangcutelangtalaga because life without it is dull - It is one of my sanctuaries. I can tell members of this group everything and we can go on with interesting conversations.
21. Friendster - I find new and old friends there.
22. the existence of Halloween - I am getting excited to dress up!

As a Child...

2004-10-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

1. I used to go to Hong Kong every summer and enjoying the dolphin shows at Ocean Park. That's when I wanted to become a marine biologist.

2. Every summer, my Mom enrolled me in swimming school. Every year was a different venue.

3. I took my daily naps in the afternoon after school.

4. I loved playing with Play-Doh and my mini-kitchen. I wonder why I never learned how to cook until now.

5. I loved KeroKeroKeroppi. My friend Wee taught me how to draw him when we were in Kindergarten. I had a KeroKeroKeroppi mechanical pencil-pen in one. My Math teacher in Grade 4 took it away from me coz she caught me writing when she told the class that everybody has to stop writing.

6. I had a Hello Kitty travel bag as my school bag. It was too heavy with books and notebooks.

7. I loved Piknik's Ketchup fries. That was always the first one in my list when I go grocery shopping with my Mom.

8. I never listened to music, unless it was my Dad's collection - The Cascades and Tom Jones.

9. I used to play with my Mom's makeup collection a lot. But, I grew up not knowing how to apply makeup.

10. I wore the same clothes as my cousin Charlene. Only in a different color.

11. I had a boycut once and somebody thought I was a boy.

12. I had 3 birthday parties. Once, it rained before my party started and I kept on singing "Rain rain, go away. Come back again another day."

13. My brother taught me how to pray the "Our Father" coz I didn't learn it from school.

14. My first crush was a guy called Engelbert. It was in 3rd grade. He had big bulging eyes.

15. I always took baths for 30 minutes in the basement bathroom. Everybody was always looking for me and couldn't find me.

16. My Mom used to put her hand over my eyes when I can't sleep.

17. Every weekend, I got to sleep at my parent's bedroom, which excited me a lot. I kept thinking it was something to look forward to.

18. My Dad used to embrace me when I'm sleeping and put his legs around me. It kinda scared me coz I couldn't move from his tight grip.

2004-10-04T17:41:00.000-07:00

For more than twenty years of her life, she had been carrying this great burden of pain and suffering, courtesy of her husband. She had been lied to, cheated on, wrongly accused and even physically abused. But she still carried all these because of love, because of hope. She constantly hoped he would change, for her and for the children. Unfortunately, it never happened.

Now comes the breaking point, the point where she cannot take it anymore. The moment the children have been praying and wishing for - the time their Mom leaves their Dad. They gave Dad the paper where it stated that Mom wants an annulment of marriage. But the Dad refuses. At the back of his mind, he thinks he did not do anything wrong. In that brain, the pride that he holds for this family that he thinks he built remains. Thus, a NO! His mind fills with questions such as "Who will I show my friends now?" "I love my children. Why are they leaving me?"

Yes, he does not get it. For over 10 years, ever since she was old enough to understand, the eldest child have always begged Dad to stop his philandering ways. The pleas for monogamy have not been heard. It has been terrible for her, since she has the responsibility to explain to her siblings. She is the one who took the courage to talk to Dad and the two of them always end up in arguments - yelling and swearing at each other.

This is one sad story. This story destroys my belief in marriage. This story will remain in me forever.

The Longest One Minute of my Life

2004-09-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I had the most horrible dream of my entire life. In my dream, I was being chased by a guy who wanted to sexually harass and murder me. I woke up all sweaty, with my heart pounding. I suddenly thought of my family back home. I quickly sent a text message to my Mom, urging her to call me. I wanted to hear her voice so bad, just to know that she is okay. I lay in bed, waiting for my phone to ring, praying so hard that nothing bad happened to my family. The 60 seconds of anticipating was killing me. Finally, my Mom gave me a call. As soon as she said, "What's wrong?" I cried so hard. Tears of relief, tears of loneliness, tears of frustration. I felt so alone that night. The need to be with beside my Mom never struck me as hard as that dream did. It was painful.

So...I think I will leave this place for good soon. I will go home soon...

First Anniversary

2004-08-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today is Vancouver and my first anniversary together. Wow, I haven’t left this place in a year. It feels fruitful yet bittersweet, fun yet nostalgic. It has been a year with an equation equivalent to [insanity+depression] + [independence and fulfillment]. The feelings I have towards Van is understandably extreme. There were days when I was just feeling wonderfully lucky for being here experiencing a whole new world on my own and there were some when I just want to hop into an airplane and fly back home.

And yet, the idea of going home scares me. My mother has been nagging it to me forever, but somehow, I cannot find myself to drop everything here and go home. Deep inside, I know I am enjoying discovering things and experiencing freedom in Canada. I earn money, with my own sweat and tears, and spend it however way I want to. I have no strings attached here and I like it. I admit, my jobs here are nothing to be jealous of because they are low-paying and labor-filled. But getting my paycheck always makes me smile, because I know I worked hard for it. The blisters in my feet, the calluses on my hand are nothing compared to the fulfillment of living independently. The money I can save for my expeditions around North America. That is my primary reason for staying. I just want to travel while I am still young.

Still, I miss my family and my friends back home. I miss the crazy life in Manila. I miss being driven by a chauffeur to the mall. I miss flipping telephone numbers in my head, thinking which friend to call. I miss Filipino food, especially Kare-Kare. I miss foot spas. I could go on and on. But most of all, I miss my Mom and brothers. They would be enough reason for me to go home, because they define the happiness I feel in my life.

Will there be a second anniversary?

Pagmumuni

2004-08-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

Minsan napapaisip ako. Why am I here? Ano ba ginagawa ko sa buhay ko? Mag-isa ako. Walang pamilya. Walang kasama. Ang lungkot lungkot. Hirap maghanapbuhay dito. Akala ng iba easy money, pero hindi. Dollars lang pero ang mahal naman ng mga gamit dito. Most of the time, gusto kong umuwi. Gusto ko sa Manila kasi doon masaya. Lam ko I can find happiness in Manila, but what is holding me back here? Siguro, I am just hoping that my luck in Canada would come soon. Nagcocomplain lang ako ngayon kasi my life sucks here.

2004-08-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

Just chilling with the girls at Joe's patio. Ate some yummy Vietnamese food. Everybody loved the spring rolls. It was a nice house. Cozy and quiet.

2004-08-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

Me at Granville Island. I think that is Cambie Bridge at the back. I am not sure. Just another summer day to enjoy Vancouver.

2004-08-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

I was starstruck. I was able to get a picture with one of my fave celebrities. He was super nice. And I looked like I just woke up. Highlight of my summer!

2004-08-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Me and Wendy G at the Grand Finale of the Celebration of Lights 2004. Sweden won! It was only the two of us coz everybody else was lost. We had perfect seats. It was a beauty!

2004-08-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

Cutie Dylan at Joe's Housewarming Party. He is not wearing any pants and he loves it! He's a natural charmer. Going to be a heartbreaker when he grows up.

From Friendship to Like to Nil

2004-08-11T23:03:00.000-07:00

I crossed the line and now I am paying back. It took two to tango but the other party is doing good ignoring the fact that there was something between us, something real.

I waited three months to ignore him when I see him online. Three months to not talk to him, hoping I would forget about him and the "fling" that we had. Finally, after three months, I mustered enough courage to say hi to him on Messenger. The conversation went like this.

L: hey.
S: hey how are you
L: i'm good. how abt you?
S: tired
L: oh from work, i guess. how is it?
S: i can't talk about my work
L: alright. sorry.
S: as much as i would like to talk about it... i'm not allowed to
L: it's ok. how are u enjoying DC?
S: it's nice. not too bad at all
L: don't you feel scared there?
S: not one bit
L: what a brave soul
S: well i'm off to bed...was just checking if i had any messages. i'll talk to you later
L: alright. good night. bye.

It was just extreme awkwardness. Maybe I should give it another three months. I don't know if I can handle this "Save the Friendship" project. I'll update.

Cheap Friendship

2004-08-11T22:07:00.000-07:00

Being cheap can mean many things. It can be waiting for something to go on sale before you buy it (bargain shopping). Or it can be not wanting to spend money on things that make you happy and thus, getting deprived. Or simply ignoring to pay the bill because you expect someone to pay for it.

I have a friend who falls perfectly under the third category. And that is what I hate most about her. Just being cheap. She earns the most among everyone and yet, she is so cheap that I want to vomit right now. It is incredibly unbelievable. So many incidents but one goes down to history as the best moment, so far.

Last night, my friends and I went to dinner at this steak place we usually go to. My older guy cousin also joined us. We were waiting for the bill to come when my cousin told us, "It's ok. I already paid for it." The first instinct was of course to reject and pay back my cousin. So, I took everyone's money (or so I thought) and chased my cousin. I put the money on his motorcycle and he quickly tried to give us back our money. And who had the guts to shout, "No, Thomson. No." The one who didn't pay.

Yes, I was stupid. I didn't ask for her money, but everybody gave her own share of payment to me, except for Cheapskate (Good, she loves rollerblading too. Perfect nick.)! I swear, I saw her holding her wallet out while refusing Thomson's money. And when Thomson returned to his motorcycle, Cheapskate slowly... slowly... slowly... put her wallet back into her purse, acting coyly so that no one would see her.

And so my friend and I came up with a plan to catch her. I went on MSN late that night. And asked her, "Oh I forgot to ask you something. Did you need change coz I gave Thomson all the money?" And lo and behold, she said "Nope." Ain't that funny. I was analyzing the conversation and realized that yes, she didn't lie to me coz she really did not need no change. But, she didn't admit that she didn't hand me the money for her share. It really blocked my rationality for a few minutes. I couldn't sleep because I didn't know how to let it go (Yes, I was overreacting coz I couldn't let those kind of bullshit go). But the more I thought about it and the more I talked it over with my friend, I started giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she will pay him back the next time she sees him. I have to wait for that day.

There were so many incidents more that she acted like this: C-H-E-A-P. She always gives enough for her food, not even a dollar or two more for tips. Hello, this is Canada! Everyone has to pay tax and leave tips when dining. She goes out on dates with guys ("We were just hanging around") and she lets them pay every damn meal she eats. A friend has pointed out that this is actually the smart thing to do, because she enjoys a good meal and still saves her money.

But, that ain't me. I cannot do it. I have to pay my share because I do not want the guy to think that it is a date when it is not. That is where I draw the line between dating and being only friends who hang out.

I actually pointed this out to Cheapskate, hoping she would understand and act upon it. Seriously, how can you let a guy know that "Hey, we're just hanging out, ok? No future romantic involvement." She just simply told me (in a somewhat very defensive tone) that just because a guy pays for her meal doesn't mean she lets them touch her. Well, is she a hooker, may I ask? If she is not interested and she just want to be friends, maybe she can tell that straight to a guy's face the first time they go out. She unnecessarily drags, maybe, 3 guys along in a span of 6 months. It is uncalled for.

The friendship that she gives me is more than enough. It is a great one. I know I should accept her flaws. But I don't know how to let this flaw pass.

Future Chef?

2004-08-07T16:43:00.000-07:00

While the tomatoes I am using for my spaghetti experiment is simmering in the kitchen, I realize a funny thing: Lianne is cooking, without being forced to. I have always thought that cooking is not for me, that I will never ever like it. And here I am, passing a night out with friends so I can stay home and cook a meal.

I remember vividly my "moments" with Herbert. He used to bug me to cook for him and I would retort, "Sino ba ang HRM [Hotel Restaurant Management] sa ating dalawa?" And then a fight would start coz I refuse to cook meals for him. Then, being the submissive girlfriend, I would give in to stop the bickering. So, I was in the kitchen, trying to think of a meal to cook. Ok, spaghetti. I put the oil, threw in the onions and ground beef. And then I shout, "Ya, tulong! Tumatalsik yung mantika! Di ko to kaya. Kaw na lang magtapos!" When the boyfriend came, I presented him with a yummy spaghetti, "Here's your spaghetti. I cooked it, while Yaya supervised me." Little did he know that the only thing I did was put in the oil and onions. Then, I left everything to my Yaya to cook. I was such a meano.

When I think about it now, I could not help but laugh at myself and yet I felt bad for Herbert coz he ignorantly chowed down 3 servings of spaghetti made by his girlfriend for him. If only we were together right now, then he would be so delighted to know that I voluntarily cook now. That I go out of my way to cook. That I spend my money on groceries instead of clothes. He would have been so proud of me. I guess, this is a change of lifestyle for me and it really creeps me out.

Time to start the meat sauce for my spaghetti.

Torn

2004-07-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

Having come to Vancouver almost a year ago, I have learned many things.

One, I am alone here. No immediate family member, no long time friends. Here, every one has their own life. My friends are either at work or at school. Or just plain busy. It might be the same case had I stayed in Manila. But I have some people at home to talk to. Every time I have the urgency to call my friends, I quickly realize I am not in Manila. I cannot do long distance. I miss those times when i just dial a friend's number or my Mom's office and I just chat away with them for hours. I have my doggie to play with.

Two, I have to work my ass off here. And when I look at my savings, believe me, it can get THIS frustrating, especially with a job that pays you so little when you work so hard. Well, I do earn money and when I convert it into pesos, yes it is really a LOT. But the standards of living between Canada and Manila are so different.

I spend money on freaking stupid bills (such as a $180 cellphone bill!) and of course, shopping. I swear, I stopped shopping. I am trying so hard to control myself to go Downtown or to the malls. My proactive solution: rent movies to watch at home. I am proud to say, it's working.

Three, I have to grow up and be responsible for my sake. I have to cook, grocery shop, do laundry, clean the house by myself. I cannot depend on helper to do these things for me. It is actually humbling. I realize I took these things for granted in Manila. I never really did these houshold chores and I feel bad for it. Here, I cannot be the senorita I was in Manila.

All these things define the independency I have embraced here. I never felt alone in Manila because however crazy the place is, it is still my home. It is still the place that I grew up in, the place where my loved ones are. It may not be a welcoming thought but I like the independency I very much enjoy in Vancouver too. That is why I am torn. Should I go back to Manila for good or not?